July 2, 2011


I am really strict with myself. That's probably because I am perfectionist as I have already said.
Today the results of my FCE lower came out. I got it with an A. I was happy when I heard it and then I saw the papers and was completely disappointed. I saw this :

Use of English ,Speaking



So reading and listening were exceptional ,use of English and speaking were really close to exceptional while writing was closer to good.
I got 80% which means that if I had one wrong then I would have been marked with a B.
I got so disappointed. Really ,I can't be satisfied.
Today I also got my marks at school which were a failure ,too. In English at school ,at the exams ,i had 17/20. How stupid can I be to do that? In German 19/20. Which I can neither understand. I had 20/20 in Maths and Computers. I was proud of that but all the others were pathetic. 16/20 in physics and 18/20 in chemistry. 11/20 in Ancient Greek. If someone else told me about their marks and they were the above I would be like "Oh ,well done you did quite good". But when it comes to me, I am so strict and so non forgivable.
I also have the other problem with what other people have gotten. For example ,I am sure that my best friend has had a better mark than I have (i mean at the lower because at school I am sure she does ,she always has 19,9/20) and I cannot calm down.
Pff ,this thing destroys me. I always whine because other people have great expectations from me but I am among them ,too. I have great expectations of me as well ,because my parents and family have always told me how smart and capable of everything I am. But I am probably much stupider than they thought ,much stupider than everyone believes. I am just a normal person with a normal IQ but I will never stop having expectations. Because I was taught to believe I am intelligent. And this is why it hurts too much to fail or be rejected.

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