July 2, 2011

Expectations.

I am really strict with myself. That's probably because I am perfectionist as I have already said.
Today the results of my FCE lower came out. I got it with an A. I was happy when I heard it and then I saw the papers and was completely disappointed. I saw this :

Reading 
Listening
Exceptional
Use of English ,Speaking
Writing
Good

Borderline

Weak

So reading and listening were exceptional ,use of English and speaking were really close to exceptional while writing was closer to good.
I got 80% which means that if I had one wrong then I would have been marked with a B.
I got so disappointed. Really ,I can't be satisfied.
Today I also got my marks at school which were a failure ,too. In English at school ,at the exams ,i had 17/20. How stupid can I be to do that? In German 19/20. Which I can neither understand. I had 20/20 in Maths and Computers. I was proud of that but all the others were pathetic. 16/20 in physics and 18/20 in chemistry. 11/20 in Ancient Greek. If someone else told me about their marks and they were the above I would be like "Oh ,well done you did quite good". But when it comes to me, I am so strict and so non forgivable.
I also have the other problem with what other people have gotten. For example ,I am sure that my best friend has had a better mark than I have (i mean at the lower because at school I am sure she does ,she always has 19,9/20) and I cannot calm down.
Pff ,this thing destroys me. I always whine because other people have great expectations from me but I am among them ,too. I have great expectations of me as well ,because my parents and family have always told me how smart and capable of everything I am. But I am probably much stupider than they thought ,much stupider than everyone believes. I am just a normal person with a normal IQ but I will never stop having expectations. Because I was taught to believe I am intelligent. And this is why it hurts too much to fail or be rejected.

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