July 11, 2011

Situation is going from bad to worse.
Things with my dad are awful. I don't know ,I mean there are times I love him like I used to and I try to think that nothing of these was truth ,and it was just a dream. But there are times I hate him. I can't know what he feels for me and it drives me crazy.
For some time I thought he was a pedophile. His job is around this stuff ,and he always insists on picking up my friends and I when we go somewhere. Or drive us somewhere. In the special olympics he said if i wanted him to come with one of my friends. Then ,he touches me all the time. I mean ,that's probably bullshit but he touches my thigh or ass and I feel bad. Really bad. Sometimes when he speaks with sexual meanings or does sexual jokes ,I am shocked and don't know what to do. It's just really awkward.
Now ,i don't think that ,but still the thought is in my head.
Today we had a great fight. He always goes out and comes back at like 1ish , 2ish ,3ish and I am not allowed to go out unless someone comes and picks me up at 11ish. And it's annoying because I can't go out with my friends so he can go out with his gf. And we had this fight ,he told me he doesn't like my behavior towards him and also threatened me he will beat me up.
If only he dares. I hate him touching me even for fun ,and I try to avoid it. If he tries to hit me ,then I will have a reason to go to court and report him. So ,yes ,in a way ,I want him to hit me. 
I was also thinking of calling a help line. We'll see.

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