somewhere along in the bitterness
well maybe i do know where i went wrong. it is half my fault. me and all the stupid complexes ,the fantasies and the incredible jealousy. jealousy will kill a friendship. if not at that moment ,eventually. on the other hand ,there are the other things. the lies. the behind my back talks. which i found out with a nasty way. our relationship is dirty. when i think about it ,all of my human relationships are dirty. they include secrets ,unspoken words ,doubts ,lies ,jealousy and nastiness. having online friends is the only
real clear relationship i have. or at least i think so. i can't just delete her from my life. she will try to come back ,she wll apologize ,she will be hurt. i think she will. and it's not just me and her ,there are 3 other people in this friendship. i can't tell them neither chose between her and me nor just hang out with the 3 of them. she has betrayed me in the past and this is why i will never be able to trust her as i do with my other friends. i've never told her. i am coward it's much easier writing it here than telling it to her face. i have to distance her a bit. to think and not do something i will regret. i don't like regretting ,i prefer inactivity. the only thing i am sure of ,is that we will never be the way best friends should be.